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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24959008">Dangling a Foot Off the Edge</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewomaninthebeehive/pseuds/thewomaninthebeehive'>thewomaninthebeehive</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Cuddling, Depictions of vomit, F/F, dark depiction of an eating disorder, depiction of an eating disorder, i tried to keep it vague but there is a lot of eating and vomit sorry., just girls being gay and unhealthy but figuring it out in the end, kissing towards the end, possibly going to be a sequel if it's well received?, sayo angst galore, self deprecating thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:08:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,904</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24959008</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewomaninthebeehive/pseuds/thewomaninthebeehive</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years after Roselia’s formation, guitarist Sayo Hikawa struggles with the dissatisfaction of continuing to be a mediocre guitarist. Coming to terms with the fact that she may as well spend the rest of her life feeling the same hollowness is terrifying for her. Growing affections for her bandmate and Roselia’s bassist also does not assist with her overwhelming thoughts. Sayo feels as if something is slowly ticking, as if her time is running out. Yet she has no motivation whatsoever to prepare for it much less try to prevent it. In short, she’s getting very tired of trying.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hikawa Sayo/Imai Lisa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>101</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Tainted and The Pure</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello! please read tags just in case!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The more music you play the less out of tune with it you feel.</p>
<p>At least that’s what the guitarist felt. </p>
<p>Almost five years with Roselia. </p>
<p>Five years and she felt as if nothing changed. Her sound still undiscovered. As if it was all a waste. </p>
<p>The first to practice almost always. She was always desperate to strive for the best. For absolute perfection. </p>
<p>Sayo was always aware that it would be a difficult journey. But that mentality starts to wear away at one point down the line. This was it for her. The burnout. She had no motivation anymore. No ambition to surpass anyone. No real obligation to keep in contact with anyone aside from practice. Probably hundreds of performances by now and yet she still felt as if not a single one satisfied anything she was looking for. A bland taste in her mouth. That’s how everything slowly became. </p>
<p>That’s how she felt she was becoming.</p>
<p>A high strum. A song that made her feel something despite its mellow nature. Like she was a leaf on a pond in autumn. A cloud in the summer’s sky. A wisp in the air. Utterly weightless yet happy and...fleeting as it is difficult for her to admit. </p>
<p>“Baby, stay with me.”</p>
<p>A strum full of an almost ethereal energy.</p>
<p>“I feel it happening.”</p>
<p>She did this often. Practiced other songs she was actually interested in. Not just to play it in rhythm with the band. But to play it for herself. Her only act of self indulgence. The only one she could ever really allow herself. A genuine smile plastered on her face as she lightly strums and plucks each string on her fretboard more than once. An entrancing sound emerges. One that fills her with the most suffocating yet relieving feelings in the world. And she feels. Happy. Blissful even.</p>
<p>Sayo never considered herself a good singer. Or even a decent one at that. Certainly Minato-san and Imani-san we’re far better than her but...who would be listening right now? Twenty minutes before practice officially starts. Her voice begins to falter on a note a word a tad bit too difficult for her to pronounce. She feels lost in the melody. In the feeling of love. That’s what she felt it reminisced. Love.</p>
<p>“It’s only just a dream.”</p>
<p>Further losing herself in the feelings her mind begins to wander. When did she start feeling it get stale? When did her ambition start to dry up? Most importantly.</p>
<p>What was still keeping her there. </p>
<p>Indulgence was rare. Anything that used to keep her from her goals was rare. Distractions to her. She wasn’t going to deny that she was obsessed with being self disciplined. If anything she was prideful in her ability to be. But it was tiresome sometimes. And it was in moments like these where she didn’t care. Piled on top of the blander and bleeker her ambitions were looking. She didn’t earn anything special. Sayo simply felt that for once, she should just let her head go on autopilot for a bit. </p>
<p>What was needed for her to move on.</p>
<p>Peace, maybe. The thought of leaving the band seemed more apparent to be the right choice as the days went on. Sayo was replaceable after all. There were plenty more talented guitarists that could play for Roselia. Even more talented than Hina. Sayo felt as if she needed to leave to move on. She didn’t consider herself stupid. She was aware that this would eventually cause her to self-destruct one way or another. It was a clear picture in her head of what eventually would happen should this persist. Yet she couldn’t tear herself away from the band let alone throw away her worthless goals. </p>
<p>“Babe I’d rather stay,”</p>
<p>Quitting is the only way to distance herself from everyone. To control the damage. </p>
<p>“Inside your dreams.”</p>
<p>Sayo was aware of what was still keeping her tethered to the band. </p>
<p>“If I could disappear,”</p>
<p>And frankly it made her hate herself even more than Hina ever did.</p>
<p>“Beneath the leaves.” </p>
<p>The final strimmings of the song died down. She hummed along to her pluckings. Sayo’s mind was a mess. But at least a comfortable one now at peace with her own isolation for the time being. </p>
<p>“Hi, Sayo…”</p>
<p>Sayo’s head flicked back with such startled intensity her guitar shook violently in front of her. </p>
<p>“Imai-san?! How long have you been standing there?” </p>
<p>Lisa averted her gaze from the other girls’, “Not too long. Maybe the last minute or two?” </p>
<p>Sayo recognized that meant quite literally almost the full length of the song. She sighed heavily and looked away from the brown haired girl. Some silence passed as Lisa began unpacking her things. </p>
<p>“It was a very pretty song. Your voice fits it really well. And I never knew you were so good at English.” Lisa cheers up a bit and starts talking in her gleeful voice again. </p>
<p>Sayo forces her voice to sound unwavered, the only sign hinting at her falter is the travel of her eyes to the ceiling avoiding Lisa’s reflection in the glass, “Thank you, but I’ve only practiced enough for that one song.”</p>
<p>Lisa unpacked her bass and hummed lightly, “it was very lovely. Makes me wonder who you directed it at~” </p>
<p>Sayo has known Lisa for years now. Yet she still finds it so infuriating that she can’t help it that Lisa knows exactly how to push her buttons.</p>
<p>“Do I need a reason to sing a nice love-centric song? Does it have to be directed at a person?” Sayo fiddled with the settings on her amp to match her default sound for practice.</p>
<p>Lisa zipped up her case and threw the strap of her bass over her shoulder, “Well, I guess not, but it would be kind of a let down if you weren’t singing to someone in particular.” </p>
<p>Sayo made an impulsive decision to indulge Lisa, “Why’s that?” an irreversible regret immediately after she says it. </p>
<p>Lisa begins tuning her bass. Sayo suddenly remembers it's been an entire week since their last practice since everyone has busier schedules now. </p>
<p>“I just think it’d be super cute if you were putting all that energy into someone you feel for, don’t you think?” </p>
<p>Sayo pondered as she finished prepping her guitar. She went to take a drink of water out of her bottle before answering, “Maybe I understand that.”</p>
<p>Lisa has her hands on her hips as she eyed Sayo curiously, “So you were singing about someone?”</p>
<p>Sayo puts her bottle back down, “Well...maybe whoever the song was originally dedicated to…” </p>
<p>Lisa has gotten better at distinguishing Sayo’s well disguised sarcasm from her usual speech and giggled a bit. “Come on, Sayo. You know what I mean.”</p>
<p>Sayo softly chuckled, “It’s a possibility.” </p>
<p>The bassist beamed and Sayo thought it was cute how evident it was she was going to prod for more details.</p>
<p>“Sayoooo~ Who’s the lucky girl?” </p>
<p>Sayo plugged into her guitar cord to the rental amp and tested the sound, “I’ve told you far enough for today.” </p>
<p>Lisa huffed and threw her head back with slouched shoulders, defeated. “Geez...I thought I’d be able to get even just a little bit more.” </p>
<p>Sayo now closely faced the shorter bassist, “Maybe you would’ve had you’d not sneak up on me like that earlier.”</p>
<p>Lisa reared back a bit before whining, “How was I supposed to avoid that! I needed to come in eventually!” </p>
<p>Sayo laughed fiddling with the knobs on her guitar for the second time that day.</p>
<p>She remembered why she’s stayed for so long.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The band had finished the last 3 songs the same way. Yukina abruptly turns around and flares up, “Sayo, your tone is off. You played by yourself, not with anyone else.”</p>
<p>That was the second song in a row Sayo had been called out.<br/>
“Sorry, Minato-san, I’ll try to focus on someone else’s playing for the next song,” Sayo clenched her guitar pick in her right hand so forcefully she was unsure if it would draw blood. Messing up never got to her this badly. </p>
<p>Why today?</p>
<p>“Actually,” Lisa wiped some sweat off her brow, “Why don’t we take a break Yukina? I need it too, I woke up late and skipped breakfast this morning to make it to class on time.” </p>
<p>Yukina shook her head, “Is that why you rushed out of your house this morning? Lisa, I can’t seem to understand why you decided to take morning courses with your terrible sleep schedule..”</p>
<p>Lisa stretched widely while speaking, “I didn’t wanna ruin the habit of waking up early for school.” The bassist was now putting her bass aside and making her way to her bag. “It’s just one night, Yukina.”</p>
<p>The lead singer laughs, “Okay, we’ll take a short break.”</p>
<p>Sayo already began setting down her guitar and opening her bottle for a drink before Yukina finished her sentence. Ako and Rinko had begun ogling at the purple-haired girl’s new phone case which depicted a scary atmosphere with a cute bat at the top right corner of the cover. </p>
<p>Sayo set her pick and bottle down before grabbing a hair tie out of the pocket of her jeans and began to tie her hair up into a high ponytail. She felt as if she needed the lifted weight to concentrate. </p>
<p>“Eh, Sayo?” Lisa had magically appeared behind the guitarist undetected for the second time that day. She had a curious look on her face, “You usually never put your hair up like that.”</p>
<p>Sayo dismissed Lisa with a look and continued putting her hair up. </p>
<p>“I think you look cute with your hair up.” </p>
<p>Sayo hand tensed her hand so abruptly that the band snapped and alerted the other members' heads to turn towards the two girls on the other side of the room. Sayo stood frozen eyes wide and took her hand out of her hair and it fell. She let a heavy sigh before rummaging through her pockets to find another band. She searched aimlessly, somewhat aware of the fact that she was sure that was her last one. </p>
<p>“Sayo, I have one if you’d like,” Lisa was stretching out the band like Sayo had done earlier.</p>
<p>“Yes, thank you,” Sayo reached to grab the hair tie in the girl’s hand.<br/>
“Wait, I wanna do it for you.”</p>
<p>Sayo froze and retracted her hand. She tilted her head. Finally coming to a decision, she turned around and flipped her hair to push all of it towards her back.</p>
<p>Normally, if it were anyone else, Sayo would veer from the contact, but the light brush of Lisa’s fingertips and knuckles brushing against the sides and back of her neck as she bunched up the guitarists long and flowing hair. Sayo let her mind drift absentmindedly. The scent of Lisa’s perfume was overwhelming. Scenes of being a teenager in her room and researching as to why Lisa made her heart race at such close contact flooded her mind. It was funny really. Sayo had liked Lisa for so long now. Lisa was only putting up her hair yet she felt so spoiled. Like she wouldn’t trade anything for this moment and would trade anything to relive it over and over again. The slightest contact made Sayo suppress a genuine shiver. The feeling of Lisa’s nails scratching her scalp almost did make her shiver. </p>
<p>“Okay,” Lisa tugged on the band to make it tighter and dropped her hands, “Done!”</p>
<p>Sayo rubbed the back of her neck and could feel that not even a strand of hair peaked out. She smiled and turned to thank Lisa but she had walked off to talk to the other band members. </p>
<p>Sayo simply retreated by grabbing her bottle and her phone before taking a seat on the floor. She heard her phone vibrate mid-way through the last song. Now should be the best time to check who it was from. Sayo opened her phone to a text from her sister, Hina. </p>
<p>“Can u get groceries on the way back? And some ice cream? Please?”</p>
<p>“Okay, but you’re doing the dishes tonight.” Sayo smiled while typing the message and pressed send. She took another sip of water awaiting Hina’s response which would most likely be a complaint.</p>
<p>Hina was a good sister. Sayo had come to recognize that over the course of the past few years. At one point she found her twin sister to be insufferable not due to her faults but due to her  overarching successes. Everyone had told her it wasn’t fair how she acted towards Hina. They didn’t know the full truth of Sayo’s feelings towards Hina, but she put the effort in regardless. She’s now at peace at least with Hina. However her persistent inferiority complex flares up every now and then. It’s simply something the sisters recognize and make their peace with. Sayo tries desperately to keep it from damaging their relationship now that they’re living together. </p>
<p>“Sayo-san, Lisa-nee made cookies! Come and get some!” </p>
<p>Sayo looked up at the short ball of energy in front of her. Ako Udagawa was eccentric. Sayo thought both of the sisters were eccentric to a degree. Ako and Tomoe were always kind to others and one another and Sayo owed it to Tomoe to exert the same kindness to her younger sister and bandmate. Despite Sayo’s lack of comprehension of Ako’s antics, she did her best to indulge the girl.</p>
<p>That and she just really wanted to eat some of Lisa’s cookies.</p>
<p>“Ah, okay. I’ll grab some right now.” </p>
<p>Sayo got up from her spot on the floor and took her jacket off. She walked towards her huddled bandmates with the drummer humming lightly beside her. </p>
<p>“Ah, Yukina, did you eat lunch today?” Sayo tied the jacket around her waist and listened in on the conversation.  </p>
<p>“I actually did for once. Leftover from last night,” Yukina had her hand on her own cheek awkwardly while eating her batch of cookies.</p>
<p>“My mom always reminds me to eat now that I live away from home. Usually I make Ako lunch too.”</p>
<p>“The princess of the underworld must feast to keep her strength!”</p>
<p>“I sometimes decorate our lunches with cute faces.”</p>
<p>The band laughed together as Lisa handed out cookies to her friends. </p>
<p>Sayo’s phone pinged. A response from Hina she assumed. </p>
<p>“Ugh, the price to pay for luxury.”</p>
<p>Sayo chuckled and looked up to see Lisa staring intently at her.</p>
<p>“I-Imai-san?” </p>
<p>Lisa hummed a concerning sound, “Sayo, you had work this morning right?”</p>
<p>Sayo was reaching for Lisa’s homemade cookies and grabbed the three in her hand. She grabbed them with an uncontrollable smile. </p>
<p>“Yes, I did,” She happily bit off part of one cookie with a blissful grin, “Mm,” she says with her mouth full, “Why do you ask?”</p>
<p>“Did you eat lunch yet?” Lisa’s gaze was demanding. Sayo decided it reminded her eerily like her mother when she had done something wrong.</p>
<p>“N-No, I had a deadline to meet by today.” Sayo’s team manager was a lazy one at that and completely forgot to remind the team that their deadline was approaching. To finish her task in time, she completely skipped her lunch break and asked a coworker to just grab her a coffee instead.</p>
<p>Lisa’s eyes narrowed as if she was processing what Sayo was telling her. Sayo became suddenly aware of the close contact and added to the piercing gaze, Sayo had to force down a blush and swallow hard. </p>
<p>Lisa sprang up and smiled. Sayo could’ve sworn she saw her actually sparkle, “Well I guess I’ll just have to share with you, I packed a bit too much this morning expecting Yukina to have skipped out on eating. Do you like somen? I packed extra.” Lisa trailed off practically skipping towards her bag.</p>
<p> Sayo was sure she was now visibly excited to share her food. The guitarist found it endearing how caring she was and actively sought out an excuse to coddle someone. Lately Yukina hasn’t needed Lisa to coddle her...Sayo figured maybe… Just maybe...It made Lisa a little lonely. </p>
<p>No. </p>
<p>No, Sayo shouldn't feel like this. She shouldn’t feel happy. She shouldn't be hopeful about anything. It’s no use. Nothing she ever hopes for will ever happen. She’ll never feel long lasting happiness. It’s futiles to chase after something that just doesn’t exist for someone as lowly as Sayo Hikawa. </p>
<p>“Actually, Imai-san,” Lisa had a huge box of food in her hands. Sayo continued with a forced smile, “Hina is planning on making a big dinner tonight. I think I’d rather save my appetite for that.” Lisa’s face turned into a grimace but Sayo was able to convince herself it was just her own imagination. </p>
<p>“Oh..” Lisa opened her box and looked grim for a second before smiling again, “Okay, but make sure you eat a lot to make up for lunch.” </p>
<p>Sayo watched Lisa eat her somen. She only finished maybe a quarter of it before she stuffed it back into her bag.</p>
<p>Sayo decided not to finish her cookies. Practice resumed a while later. Sayo managed to correct her mistakes but she still felt an odd feeling.</p>
<p>It drained everything out of her, her senses, her consciousness. It destroyed room for error in her playing. But it also destroyed everything else that made her human.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“Onee-chan~? Are you on your way home?” </p>
<p>Sayo had just walked out of the grocery store when her phone buzzed and she answered to hear Hina’s usual whining voice.</p>
<p>“Almost home, had to look for some specific things.”</p>
<p>“Yay! You’re the best sister ever! I’ll await your arrival!”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Yeah. I’ll be home soon.”</p>
<p>Sayo was feeling weak. Both in the mind and body. Technically she hadn't eaten in a full 24 hours. But to be quite honest, she didn’t have the energy to eat. Another day won't hurt. </p>
<p>Their shared apartment building was quiet on the elevator ride up. Although it was always rather quiet, something Sayo definitely liked. Hina had once tried to convince her to get a cat if she liked the quiet so much, and though she was okay with a cat, a dog was the first pet that came to mind. But a dog would be a bit too loud for such a quiet building. </p>
<p>For now the sisters kept each other enough company. </p>
<p>“Hina, I’m home.” Sayo took her key out of the door. Hina came running down the hall with her toothbrush in her mouth.</p>
<p>“Onee-san! Welcome home! How was practice?” Hina exclaimed with toothpaste still in her mouth.</p>
<p>“Good, did you do the dishes?” Sayo took off her coat and set down the bags of groceries on the small round table they shared for dinner. </p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah, I did. Made you dinner too. It’s wrapped in some plastic in the fridge. Still should be a little warm,” Hina was now shouting from the bathroom.</p>
<p>“I’m fine. Lisa made me eat something during break,”  a blatant lie Sayo had barely any energy to keep up with. </p>
<p>Hina walked out from the hall with a towel around her shoulders, “In that case, you want me to run you a bath?” </p>
<p>A bath.</p>
<p>Maybe that’s what Sayo needed.</p>
<p>“Would you, please?” Sayo sat down and stretched as far as she could, trying to relieve as much tension as possible. </p>
<p>Hina beamed, “You got it!”</p>
<p>Sayo proceeded to pull out a bowl and a spoon from the cabinet and the tub of ice cream from one of the bags. Sayo could thank Hina in small gestures like these instead of outright telling her which was hard for the guitarist to do with practically anyone. She prepared the bowl of ice cream and heard Hina stomping down the hall. </p>
<p>Hina began to say something before staring at the bowl in her sister’s hands. Sayo saw her sister’s eyes light up yet the rest of her body stood oddly still.</p>
<p>“You got my favorite...Ice cream!” Hina practically sprinted and clanged onto Sayo in an awkward hunched position still aware of the bowl in her sister’s hands. </p>
<p>“I did. That’s why I took so long. Hey, watch the bowl,” Sayo laughed and tried to shy away when Hina loosened her grasp. Hina took the bowl out of Sayo’s hands before taking the spoon and scooping some ice cream. </p>
<p>“God, this stuff is to die for. Thank you!” Hina said with her eyes practically watering after taking a bite of the dessert. Hina scooped up another piece and held it towards Sayo’s face. Sayo sighed and took the ice cream in her mouth and immediately felt it melt. It was sweet, very sweet. Something that both sisters prefer. “Ah,” Hina continued, “Your bath is ready.” </p>
<p>“Thank you, I’m going to wash up and go to bed for the night,” Sayo put some frozen vegetables and meats in the freezer. Hina had settled on the couch in the living room with her ice cream bowl watching the television and Sayo headed for the bathroom.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Sayo’s heart beat so fast she felt as if it was going to explode. Her room was dim, the blinds were closed and the only thing lighting the beauty in front of her was the desk lamp placed in the corner of the room. </p>
<p>“Sayo…” Lisa’s jacket and button up was wide open exposing her entire neck and chest, her breasts held up by a lacy black bra with roses and spirals littering the large cups. She crawled towards Sayo on the bed and snuck onto her lap straddling the guitarist's thighs. </p>
<p>“You can give in, you know. You can touch me,” Lisa sighed with desperation.<br/>
Sayo felt aroused yet so detached from her body and actions. Lisa’s voice, her skin, and especially her eyes, felt like they were drawing Sayo in and slowly draining all the energy she had left to resist.</p>
<p>“What if I hurt you?” That didn’t make any sense. Why would Sayo hurt her? How could she hurt her?</p>
<p>“How do you know if I wouldn’t like that, hm?” Lisa leaned in and practically purred in Sayo’s ear. Her own playfulness was unbearable in these kinds of situations. </p>
<p>“No, I mean…” Sayo could feel Lisa’s hands trailing under her shirt and over her stomach and swallowed a dry sigh from the very back of her throat. </p>
<p>“You mean...? Use your words, Sayo.” Lisa had discarded her shirt and jacket on Sayo’s bedroom floor. Lisa’s arms draped comfortably around Sayo’s neck and shoulders as the other girls hand rested on Lisa’s hips. </p>
<p>“I don’t want to give in,” Sayo’s hands clenched Lisa’s sides gently. She felt overwhelmed, almost like she might cry. She inhaled in frustration waiting for Lisa’s response.</p>
<p>Lisa’s hand retracted from under Sayo’s shirt yet the same hungry look was still ever so persistent in her eyes. “Why don’t we compromise?” </p>
<p>Sayo felt the genuine confusion spring up in her voice and was embarrassed by her reaction, “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>The bassist grabbed Sayo’s rough hands and placed them on her breast. Sayo felt the weight through the fabric protecting Lisa’s assets from the cold air in the room around the two. Lisa began moving Sayo’s hand on her chest and the blue haired girl’s face contrasted her hair very nicely. She became tense with the sudden warmth in her hand and between her legs but did her best to meet Lisa’s eyes more out of curiosity than out of her own desire to do so. </p>
<p>“How about I give you everything?” Lisa said between shivers and heavy sighs filled with arousal. “And all you have to do is reach out and take it.”</p>
<p>With that the very last shred of Sayo’s composure seeped out of her being. </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>The feeling of bile rising up her throat was imminent as soon as she gained consciousness. Such a feeling as soon as she woke up wasn’t exactly out of the ordinary. The process of holding it back while she ran to the bathroom was the most difficult part of the ordeal. After heaving for a few minutes it was over.  </p>
<p>“For eating nothing but sweets yesterday…” Sayo wiped her mouth with a wet-wipe and stood up from her huddled position next to the toilet. Her legs wobbled as she dragged herself towards the sink and mirror and turned on the water faucet. </p>
<p>“Onee-chan? Are you okay?” Hina knocked on the door as Sayo finished brushing her teeth. She spit out the last of the toothpaste before opening the door. </p>
<p>“Fine, had a bit of a coughing fit. Did I wake you?” Sayo could barely register Hina’s appearance in the doorway. Her vision became grainy very quickly when the light of the bathroom contrasted with the darkness of their apartment. </p>
<p>“Kinda, you don’t have work today right?” The younger twin yawned and rubbed her eyes. Sayo felt a tinge of guilt for waking her sister up so early in the morning. </p>
<p>“No, I don’t,” Sayo cleaned her toothbrush and stuck it back into the cup that it’s held in alongside Hina’s. “What time is it?”</p>
<p>“Five in the morning,” Hina was slowly waking up but it was visible that at this point she wouldn’t be going back to sleep. “Do you want something to eat? I can make you an omelette if you’d like?”</p>
<p>Sayo stepped out into the hall, “Sure, let’s make breakfast together.” </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>If it's one thing that Sayo has come to realize since the twins moved out of their parents home, it’s that Hina cannot be trusted with a stove. Hina can make something as simple as baking completely chaotic. Due to this factor, Hina was always on rice duty when it came to meals. The rice cooker was the only thing Sayo trusted her with. They ate their meal together and talked about Hina’s old bandmates. Apparently Aya’s debut as a solo artist is coming up next spring and Pastel*Palettes’ members have free tickets. </p>
<p>“What about Roselia? Do you have any shows coming up?” Hina talked with her mouth half full with some egg and rice on her face. </p>
<p>“Don’t know yet, Minato-san has a meeting with our agent later this week.” Sayo drank her soup and sipped some water absentmindedly. </p>
<p>“What about Lisa-chi?” Sayo eyed Hina curiously at the mention of her bassist's name, “Isn't she supposed to be moving out of her family home soon?” </p>
<p>Sayo narrowed her eyes, “Where did you hear that from?” </p>
<p>Hina put her bowl down, “Moca-chan and Tsugu-chan. We were talking about how you helped Tsugu move back when you two were still together.”</p>
<p>Sayo lowered her utensils and further furrowed her brow, “Lisa hasn’t mentioned it to the band yet.”</p>
<p>Hina blinked her eyes in confusion, “Ah… I see…” Sayo picked up her hand and began eating again. “I’m sure she will tell the rest of you eventually.”</p>
<p>The two ate in silence for the rest of the meal and cleaned up together.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sayo spent a majority of her day playing NFO or practicing her parts for Roselia’s new song. Hina had gone out with Eve and Aya for a small celebration until Maya and Chisato could join them. Since that morning, Sayo had felt fine. Her body handles breakfast decently and even the small amount of ice cream she had after Hina had left. In the afternoon, Sayo did some household chores partially out of boredom and partially because she finally had the energy to do so. After almost an entire three hours of laundry and cleaning Sayo heard her phone ping in the kitchen. She took off her gloves and neatly stored the cleaning supplies back into the little closet at the end of the hall. </p>
<p>“Sayoo?” It was from Lisa. Sayo figured it’d have to be important since Sayo exclusively on;y ever gets messages from the Roselia group chat. But she didn’t expect this. </p>
<p>“Yes? What do you need?” Sayo immediately put her phone down as soon as she sent the message. She began pacing in the kitchen and wondering what Lisa could’ve possibly been texting her directly about. Did Sayo leave something in the practice room? Or maybe she was texting her about moving? Or- Oh! Her hair tie! Sayo left it on her nightstand. That’s what she has to be texting about. </p>
<p>Sayo’s phone buzzed again and she practically ran to grab it. </p>
<p>“Are you free right now? I need to vent :( Wanna get monja? I’ll send u the address?”</p>
<p>Sayo felt relieved yet even more anxious than ever before. </p>
<p>“I’ll be there. Where to?”</p>
<p>-<br/>
“Sayo! Sorry I took so long!” Sayo had found a nice spot on the wall to put all of her weight on. Lisa was still in her dance clothes and half out of breath. She had her hair up in a tight pony tail and wore a baggy grey t-shirt with a pair of black leggings. </p>
<p>“It’s okay, I didn’t get here too long ago,” Sayo put her phone in her bag and straightened her posture to meet Lisa’s gaze. “Is there something you wanted to talk about?”</p>
<p>Lisa had a nervous look on her face before uttering, “Ah...Let’s grab a table before anything.” </p>
<p>The shop was very tidy. It was small but very cozy looking. The kind of place Sayo imagined her co-workers flooding to after making a deadline to drink and disturb the local business owners. But with Lisa it has a different aura. A calming one. One Sayo was certainly comforted by yet frightened by the feeling it gave her. To deny that she was happy being invited out to such a tranquil spot was impossible. </p>
<p>“Kaede-san!?” Lisa began cheerily shouting. </p>
<p>“Coming!” A young girl strolled from the kitchen. “Ah! Lisa-sama!” </p>
<p>“You sure don’t seem busy today, so I thought I’d bring a friend.” Lisa strolled up to the counter as Sayo eyed the two girls engaged in conversation.</p>
<p>“You should see us on the holidays. Water okay for the two of you? I’m Kaede by the way, I go to school with Lisa.” The girl made some noise behind the counter while introducing herself.</p>
<p>“Sayo, I’m one of Lisa’s bandmates.” Sayo inched towards Lisa, feeling a little awkward at the interaction.</p>
<p>“Ohohoh, Roselia’s guitarist, huh?” The playfulness in Kaede’s voice caught Sayo off guard. “Same as usual, Lisa?” </p>
<p>“Yes, please! Since it’s Sayo’s first time here and all.” Sayo felt embarrassingly bashful about the whole situation by the time the two had sat down in the seat farthest from the entrance. </p>
<p>“Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, Kaede is just teasing because it’s the first time I’ve taken someone here.”</p>
<p>Sayo silently sipped her water while Lisa prepared the grill. “It’s okay, I just have trouble interacting with new people.”</p>
<p>“Aw, give yourself some credit Sayo. Kaede is probably just happy I stopped blabbing about Roselia’s members and finally brought one here.” Lisa began mixing the batter in a separate bowl.</p>
<p>Sayo poured more water into Lisa’s cup as she poured the mixture onto the grill. “Why me in the first place?” </p>
<p>Lisa frowned and dawned a nervous face, “Sorry, you busy after all. Did you have to make time for this?”</p>
<p>Sayo nearly coughed out, “No, not at all. I was just at home doing housework that’s all really.” </p>
<p>Lisa sighed in relief, “Okay, good. I would’ve really felt guilty dragging you out here like this.” Lisa flipped the batter on the grill delicately and set the utensil down. “To answer your question, I just needed a fresh opinion. I feel I can really only get that with you.” </p>
<p>Sayo let such a statement sink in before choosing her next words, “What did you need to talk about?” </p>
<p>“Well, there’s a lot really. I’m going to be moving into my own place soon.” Lisa brought her cup to her lips.</p>
<p>“So I heard,” Sayo didn’t really try to hide the venom in her voice.</p>
<p>“Really? From who?” Lisa dracked her chopsticks apart and sat them down on her plate. </p>
<p>“Hina told me she overheard it from Tsugumi-san,” Sayo did the same with her utensils.</p>
<p>“I was going to tell the whole band but eventually I decided to let you know first…” Lisa cut the fried batter cake clean in half.</p>
<p>“What about the band? Will you quit?” Sayo scooped up her half of the cake and sat it on her plate.</p>
<p>“What?” Lisa nearly dropped her half on the table. “Sayo! No, of course not.”</p>
<p>Sayo froze up. She’d jumped the gun and gotten the wrong idea, that had to be it.</p>
<p>“I would never, I just need to move a bit closer to my university. Nothing too serious! Geez, Sayo.” Lisa stuffed a hefty piece into her mouth.</p>
<p>“Sorry, I completely came to my own conclusions.” Sayo took a big swig of water before taking a bite as well. “This is rather good, by the way.”</p>
<p>“See, told you it’d be worth your while.” Lisa’s smile beamed more than usual at the praise. </p>
<p>“Hm,” Sayo chewed with satisfaction, “What else troubles you?”</p>
<p>Lisa laid her chopsticks down, “I’m thinking about switching majors…”</p>
<p>“Why?” Sayo shoveled another mouthful.</p>
<p>“Dance is great and all, but to be completely honest between band rehearsals and practice, it’s a bit too much on my body physically.”</p>
<p>“What will you switch to?” </p>
<p>Lisa furrowed her brow, “I’m unsure, but I’ve been scolded one too many times for being unable to keep up routine for me to be unsure of this.”</p>
<p>“Did you get yelled at today?” Sayo felt like she was pretending to be a therapist but it was the only way she knew how to help Lisa.</p>
<p>“Yes…” Lisa miserably set down her utensils after finishing her food. “Very badly, I almost felt like crying.” </p>
<p>Sayo stood silent while chewing the last of her half, “What’s stopping you from quitting?” </p>
<p>“I just,” Lisa sighed rather heavily. She slouched and had her head in her hands. “I’ve always had dance as an alternative. It was the me apart from Roselia. It kinda scares me to not have that anymore.”</p>
<p>Sayo set her cup down, “Imai-san…”</p>
<p>“It’s childish of me, I know. I just wish I wouldn;t have joined Roselia without an alternative goal.”</p>
<p>“Imai-san, I understand that but…” Sayo was slowly getting frustrated that her words didn’t reach </p>
<p>“Really, I’m still a kid scared of becoming an adult.”</p>
<p>“Imai-san, do not say such a thing about yourself!” </p>
<p>Both girls were startled by Sayo’s sudden outburst.</p>
<p>“Apologies, I didn’t mean to be so loud.” Sayo cleared her throat before folding her hands on the table in front of her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hearing Lisa undermine her importance to the band was nothing new but undermining her importance as a person was an entirely different case and an even more frustrating one for Sayo than the former. As refrained from displaying any signs of a deeper emotion as Sayo was, it was essential to Lisa’s well being at the moment.</p>
<p>Sayo figured she could spare one moment of selfishness.</p>
<p>“Imai-san, you are you before you are Roselia’s bassist. That is something that you taught me regarding myself as well.” “How do you mean?”</p>
<p>“I mean that regardless of what you choose to do, I won’t allow you to define the only aspect of yourself to Roselia, because you are much more than that.” </p>
<p>Sayo smiled and put on her most calming voice, “Roselia and I will always be there for you to fall back on, but we will still push you to be your own person no matter how long it may take to find that.”</p>
<p>Lisa was glossy eyed and awestruck at Sayo’s sudden honesty. </p>
<p>“Geez, Sayo you really know just the right stuff to say when it matters.” Lisa wiped the edge of her eyes with her hand and smiled quite brightly. </p>
<p>“Wanna eat another round?” Sayo smirked as she filled another glass of water. </p>
<p>“Gladly”</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“Welcome home Onee-chan. Where did you go off to?” Hina had started before Sayo even had the chance to take her shoes off. </p>
<p>“I went out to dinner with Lisa. Did you eat anything?” Sayo began taking her coat off.</p>
<p>“I’ll just eat instant noodles tonight, don’t worry. Tell me about your date!” Hina began pouring water into a kettle in the kitchen. Sayo swore if she never reminded Hina to eat she’d starve to death. </p>
<p>“It wasn’t a date, just a going out.” Sayo sat down at their small dining table.</p>
<p>“You literally just said the same thing but a different way.”</p>
<p>“Well, it wasn’t romantic at the very least if that is what you’re interested in.” Hina poured her hot water into the cup after a few minutes of waiting. </p>
<p>“Tell me everything.” Hina slammed her bowl of hot noodles on the table and cleaned up the hot soup that splashed out of it on the impact. </p>
<p>“We went out to eat Monjayaki.”</p>
<p>“Okay, yum. Take me next time.”</p>
<p>“She talked to me about her troubles.”</p>
<p>“Okay then?” </p>
<p>“I walked her to the station and saw her off and then came back home.”</p>
<p>“Onee-chan! That’s all?” Hina was practically choking on a mouthful of noodles. </p>
<p>“We are bandmates Hina! That is all.”</p>
<p>“You literally held hands onstage!”</p>
<p>“That was years ago!” </p>
<p>Hina miraculously managed to finish her whole bowl in the span of three minutes. “Come on! I like Lisa-nee! She likes you too!”</p>
<p>“Hina don’t even go there. You have no proof of that.”</p>
<p>“Untrue, she makes googly eyes at you when you aren’t looking and uses every possible excuse to be close to you.”</p>
<p>“Those instances are just convenient.”</p>
<p>“Onee-chan! We aren’t in high school anymore. You don’t have to be so stubborn about this.” </p>
<p>Hina had a point but it’s not as if Sayo was denying entirely that her feelings could be reciprocated. The thought of someone as horrid as herself with someone as gorgeous in terms of looks and personality was sickening.</p>
<p>“Hina, I will not discuss with you my feelings for Lisa or her possible feelings for me.” </p>
<p>“So you admit it?”<br/>
Sayo sighed in defeat as Hina went to wash her utensils. “You know, I think you should get with Lisa.”</p>
<p>“Please don’t use that term. It sounds so degrading to her.” Sayo groaned in annoyance. What a way to end a good night.</p>
<p>“Date her. She would treat you well, you’d treat her well. Even I can see that! She’d probably even help you lose that gloomy attitude of yours.”</p>
<p>“I’m leaving now.” Sayo sprung out of her seat and stormed down the hall.</p>
<p>“Also, Lisa-nee becoming my actual sister would be pretty cool t-” Sayo slammed the door to her room before she could hear Hina finish. </p>
<p>The thought was in Sayo’s head. Lisa had been acquainted with all of the Roselia members for just as long and even longer with Yukina. Besides, dating in bands never works. Sayo had tried it before and although her relationship with Tsugumi was not bad whatsoever it made a point that schedules were too hectic to keep up with to have a decent relationship. It’s not that Sayo didn’t want to try to be with Lisa, there were just many odds that were against her. The band for one, and herself for the other. </p>
<p>Sayo was insignificant. Sayo was small and insignificant in the constant flow of the world much less the flow of relevancy in Lisa Imai’s life. LIsa was not on a pedestal in Sayo's mind, but in a category labelled “functional”. Functional and everything about Sayo was dysfunctional. Between her fractured relationship with her parents for not going to school to her relationship with herself and with Hina. No matter how much progress she’d ever make she’d still be the same, worthless, tainted, and rotten girl that Sayo Hikawa is and always will be. </p>
<p>A girl as filthy as Sayo Hikawa had no place tainting Imai Lisa.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi! this is gonna b 2 or 3 chaps long idk yet</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Longing Girl's Wish</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“-ayo. Sayo!” Hina was frantic. Alarmingly so for Sayo simply just waking up late. Yet the sun hasn’t risen yet.</p><p>“What? Hina, what is it?” Sayo was shaken more so by the clammy hands cradling her face tightly than the push in her throat. </p><p>Hina sighed in what sounded like relief to the older twin. </p><p>“You were...groaning and screaming in your sleep. I got scared someone broke in but didn’t hear any ruffling.” </p><p>She felt  like her whole body was on fire. Every sense she had was amplified tenfold. Hina’s hands alone felt like they were melting the skin right off her cheeks.Sayo could see that Hina had begun to cry during the whole encounter and was reminded of how stupidly sensitive her sister could be at times. </p><p>“I apologize, I was having a nightmare, I think?”</p><p>“Onee-chan…” Hina sniffled and used one of her hands to wipe a lone tear from her eye, “...must have been some nightmare, huh?”</p><p>“Hina, I-“ Sayo recognized the sudden rise in her throat far later than usual. Before the poor younger twin could process a single thing, Sayo was pushing her aside running towards her bedroom door and out into the hall. The vomit spewed from her mouth and as Hina rounded the corner she witnessed Sayo hurled over the toilet in an obvious turmoil.</p><p>The younger twin quickly slumped by her side and rubbed soft circles into her sister’s back with her palm and fingers as the twin retched into the bowl with an alarming ferocity. </p><p>Sayo felt pathetic. Not only did she fail to recognize the forewarnings of a fit but she let her younger sister witness her in such a state. Hina would never think it was degrading of her older sister, but Sayo definitely saw it as just that.</p><p>“Onee-chan...shouldn’t you go see a doctor?” </p><p>Sayo has considered it but decided against it simply because she was too busy. </p><p>“I’ll try to make time this week...I just...can’t keep my food down.”</p><p>Hina sighed and lowered her hand to scratch the low of Sayo’s back, “Are you sure? Shouldn’t you call off from work and go immediately?” </p><p>Sayo panned a painful look towards her younger sister, “I can’t afford to lose this job Hina. I’m not going to school like you or Imai-san.”</p><p>She tried not to think about her situation too much or express her jealousy of Hina because of it. Roselia was on the verge of going on an actual tour but even so, Sayo still had to work to support herself Hina and never applied to any universities past the one-year gap like Hina. The disappointment from the Hikawa’s was the worst when it partaiend to Sayo. It was partially the reason the twins were no longer in contact with their parents. </p><p>Though Sayo suspected they were still paying for Hina’s school.</p><p>Hina looked like she was going to cry again but she nodded and stood up to grab a rag out of the storage closet across the hall. Sayo stood up from the toilet as Hina began to run the rag in hot water. </p><p>“Onee-chan, let me.”</p><p>Sayo half sighed and smiled. She let Hina clean her face. While she laid drained of energy near the toilet, Hina had grabbed her a clean rag to clean her face and a change of pajamas. After cleaning her older sister’s face, Hina retreated and smiled.</p><p>“I’ll let you change and whatnot, can you handle some tea?” </p><p>Sayo nodded, “Yes, thank you. Could you make it one of the herbal ones? The ones that get you sleepy?” </p><p>Hina nodded and strolled down the hall. </p><p>Sayo changed and saw just how thin she had been getting over the past few months. Tiny and scraggly. Like a bird that had trouble finding food because of the way it’s beak is structured. Inadequate to survive in such a cutthroat environment. </p><p>Too thin, too tiny. Too conceited. Too strict. Too apathetic. Her image reflected how ugly she was inside and out. She would paralyze her own hands if she could. She didn’t deserve to play for any band or even register as a person in anyone’s mind for that matter. Hina deserves a better sister, Roselia deserves a better guitarist, her parents deserve a better oldest daughter. Lisa deserves someone better to put her efforts into. </p><p>“Onee-chan? You okay in there?” Hina knocked again at the door.</p><p>Sayo affirmed that she must’ve lost general consciousness through tidying herself. She opened the door as Hina threw her arms around her and hugged her sister very tightly. </p><p>“Sorry,” Hina hugger even tighter, “I’m just worried about you.”</p><p>Sayo heard her choke out a sob and hugged her younger sister back. She sighed, “It’s okay. Thank you for being concerned over me, Hina. You’re a good sister.” </p><p>Hina sniffled, hummed in content and led Sayo over to the small dining table where her tea awaited.</p><p>-<br/>
Sayo couldn’t stop herself from binging almost everytime Hina left the house. She would try to convince herself it was for nutritional purposes but it got worse when the younger twin started leaving the house earlier to get to the agency on time. Her tardiness was one of the many things she had corrected since their teenage years. Sayo would come home to an empty apartment, eat much more than she could handle, sleep early and wake up vomiting right after Hina left.</p><p>Today in particular she was running on a few hours of sleep and a particularly shitty diet. </p><p>“Everyone, I have an announcement.” Practice was ending soon and Sayo’s strength was running thinner and thinner by the day.</p><p>“What is it, Yukina-san?” Rinko had just finished cleaning up her area. Ako was paying attention but still cleaning up her mess.</p><p>“We have a show next weekend at the grand opening of a new livehouse.” </p><p>“Cool! Oooh, is it the live house opening close to our apartment, Rinrin?” Ako finally finished and joined the members gathered with their equipment. </p><p>“The venue is a new live house called Red Chain! We’re only playing a few songs so we shouldn’t worry about it but we wanted everyone to be prepared.” Lisa excitedly concluded for the vocalist as she was already done packing away her gear. “Sayo, did you hear that alright?” Yukina leaned over her shoulder to see Sayo scuffling to pick up her guitar in its case.</p><p>“Yes, next weekend, Red Chain, few songs, livehouse opening.” Sayo’s breaths were shallow and quick. She’d recognized that she was getting sick this morning after her fit but work and practice persists more than whatever sickness she’d come down with. </p><p>Over the past few days, Hina has been guarding her like a lapdog. Though in Sayo’s head, it was more akin to a crow waiting for prey to finally retire. There was no reason to, Sayo had been recovering well and working at an accelerated pace in her hobbies and occupation. That was until this morning when she was vomiting a whole day’s worth of food after overeating when Hina was out of the house for a magazine interview. Her head felt dull and the tops of her eyelids hung low. If she kept her eyes open for too long her head throbbed so hard she might have fallen over if she didn’t have her amp to steady her.</p><p>“Okay, then that wraps up this rehearsal, we will have three, possibly four, more before the show.” Yukina trailed off into scheduling and possible solo bookings for whoever needed them as Sayo hauled her guitar case over her shoulder and began walking out the door. </p><p>Sayo was out the door to the studio before anyone else, desperate to get home and sleep off the remainder of her sickness. Her chest heaved and her body felt like it was melting.. Her stomach felt like it was home to a brewing acid. Every step she took was a difficult one and churned her insides and made her head pound even harder. Sweat and hair stuck to her forehead and her clothes clung to her figure uncomfortably.</p><p>“Sayo, wait up!” </p><p>Of all days.</p><p>Sayo tried her best to contain her groan to no avail. “Do you need something Imai-san?”<br/>
Lisa seemed a little embarrassed, “Kind of...but it can wait if you’re busy?”</p><p>The sigh that left Sayo’s mouth was thought to be an exaggerated one but considering Sayo’s it might have been genuine. </p><p>“I’m not but I’m rather tired. Is it too time consuming?”</p><p>Lisa perked up, “Ah, no. Not too much so if you don’t want it to be.” Lisa surveyed Sayo while she was still in thought. “Are you okay? Your face is awfully red.”</p><p>Sayo was too weak to respond. Simply standing still was draining her at an alarming pace. Her eyes locked in place and her head began rapidly spinning but instead of falling over she focused on  Lisa who had strolled up to the guitarist and put a hand to her cheek.</p><p>“Sayo?”</p><p>The next thing she knew, Lisa’s figure was rising as her vision spiraled downwards and finally faded to black. </p><p>-</p><p>What unfolded in front of her was something almost completely out of left field.Lisa just wanted to ask Sayo out for dinner to talk for a bit. She had noticed Sayo leaning on her amp uncomfortably at the end of every song but just chalked it up to general fatigue. </p><p>She didn’t expect Sayo to faint in broad daylight not even a block away from CiRCLE. Thankfully since she was close in proximity to the girl before she collapsed, she was able to safely catch her with no trouble. Needless to say Lisa was a bit dumbfounded with Sayo laying motionless in her arms. She was concerned sure but the sheer unpredictability of the situation caught her completely off guard.</p><p>Luckily a stranger off in the distance noticed the situation and came running, “Is your friend okay? Would you like me to call an ambulance?” </p><p>Lisa wordlessly nodded and sat kneeled to the floor carefully cradling Sayo. The initial confusion wore off and Lisa now was just a ball of nerves. She was partially still taken aback but more so concerned about Sayo and regretful that she didn’t notice anything sooner. </p><p>She heard Yukina and their bandmates shuffling behind her after Ako shouted her and Sayo.s names. </p><p>“Lisa?! What happened to Sayo?”</p><p>Lisa hadn’t even noticed she started crying until she tried to speak and choked out a dry sob instead. Sayo’s head laid in her lap. Yukina took out her phone to dial Hina when Lisa didn’t respond. </p><p>In truth, Lisa was scared more than anything. </p><p>-</p><p>When the ambulance arrived a few minutes after Hina ran down to the scene, Hina got in with Sayo. She was wailing all the way down the street sprinting to the group of girls gathered around the truck and was relatively calmer but still incredibly concerned over Sayo. Everyone was. After the truck left with the twins inside, Rinko convinced Ako to leave reluctantly since the last train was going to leave within the next 30 minutes. That left Yukina and Lisa and whatever tension came from the situation. Yukina let Lisa have her space but they needed to go home eventually.</p><p>“Lisa, I know you won’t believe me but it isn’t your-”</p><p>“I know it isn’t entirely my fault, but you have to admit it is partially.”</p><p>“No it isn’t. If you had gone to Sayo directly after Hina told us she would’ve been suspicious right off the bat.” Yukina rested a hand on Lisa’s shoulder, “You know how she is.” </p><p>“I didn’t think she was sick anymore, Hina said she thought she was recovering.” Lisa had turned around and although she didn’t make any eye contact with Yukina, she knew that it was time for them to go home. </p><p>“I think whatever Sayo’s dealing with isn’t just a general sickness. You saw what Hina said to me a few days ago.” Yukina didn’t like to get involved with Lisa’s personal matters because she knows Lisa thinks of it as a burden but this is the one time that she won’t accept Lisa’s pity. </p><p>“I know but. I didn’t think it’d affect her this badly and that intensely.” Lisa felt as if that wasn’t the full truth. In actuality, she did know the kind of effects that this kind of thing has on people. She was just unsure if Sayo was actually suffering from it. </p><p>“It’s okay. Neither of us did till today.” Sayo did look sickly as of late but for some reason...Lisa just tried to ignore it. It’s something she now feels so utterly awful for but it's the truth. She ignored it because she didn’t want to bother Sayo with a confrontation and because she was willfully ignoring the concern. And when she finally got the courage to talk to her about it, she collapsed right in front of her eyes. </p><p>It wasn’t as if Lisa didn’t care for Sayo. She loved her in a way she could’ve never imagined she’d be able to love anyone ever before. But it wasn’t a pure and unconditional love. It was more fabricated, more of an idolization. A convoluted infatuation that was made up of what Sayo could be and less of what she already is. Lisa’s fabricated image of Sayo, her knight in shining armor, who was virtually impenetrable, was broken. </p><p>Sayo was still indefinitely worth loving. However, Lisa would have to rethink what her definition of “love” exactly is.</p><p>-</p><p>When Sayo woke up, she felt cold for a change. The air around her smelled different and it was dark. She heard soft inhales and a small amount of pressure on her hand. Hina was sound asleep on top of a small pillow and gently holding her hand. Sayo was in a hospital gown and had an IV in her hand. Her memory was clear as day upon this realization. She had fainted right in front of Lisa and was now at the hospital. </p><p>Hina began to stir up and warmly smiled at Sayo. She squeezed Sayo’s hand a bit before stretching to yawn. </p><p>“Good morning. You’ve been here since evening.”</p><p>Sayo sighed deeply looking out the window at the sun rising slowly. She chuckled a bit, “I guess I did kind of overwork myself, didn’t I?”</p><p>“You really did.” Hina gazed out the window along with her sister.</p><p>“You’re not gonna like what I’m going to say.” Hina sighed for once in her life.</p><p>“It’s okay. I don't have the energy to get mad right now.” </p><p>“Our parents are coming in the morning.” Sayo did end up sighing but she also felt like she needed a good maternal scolding or two. </p><p>“Hina, do you remember when we were younger, and I would have those really bad nightmares before big exams?” Sayo softly laughed and couldn’t stop herself from speaking.</p><p>“Hm? Yeah, of course I do. You’d wake up in the middle of the night and I would get up and sit and watch the sunrise with you for a bit until you fell back asleep.” It was before the twins had their seperate rooms, so it was unavoidable for Sayo to bear the burden all by herself without the other noticing. </p><p>“Thank you for that. Sometimes it would be the only time I’d interact with you for the day, but it was very important to me.” She felt calmer than can be. And more than anything she felt tired. Very tired of the way she was feeling. Very tired of acting tough and very tired of everything. It was a very bittersweet feeling. Like she had lost but won at the same time. </p><p>“I’m sorry for being so stubborn all the time.I’m going to try from now on to get better.” The sun was halfway up and the buildings below it shined in its light.</p><p>“It’s okay. It’s partially because I was so aloof all the time. I tried changing for the better too y’know?” Hina hugged the pillow she had in her seat.</p><p>“I know, I’ve noticed. And in return I think I start really making good on those promises we made all those years ago.” Sayo did feel a tear roll down her cheek but her voice was unwavered.</p><p>The two sisters sat in silence for a few minutes before Hina arose and strolled to the huge window and slowly dragged the blinds to a close. “You should go back to sleep for a bit, onee-chan.”</p><p>“I think I will. Thank you, Hina.”</p><p>-</p><p>A week after Sayo got released from the hospital, the twins were slowly getting onto decent talking terms with their parents again and Roselia was supposed to have a fun day together. At first, they were very iffy about eating anything as a group but Sayo assured them that it was the quantity that she had to pace herself with and not specific foods she ate. Eventually they all just decided to go to a theme park and to figure out what to eat later on in the day. Hina was busy doing work with the agency who she was still a part of despite Pastel Palettes being disbanded. </p><p>Hina eventually came clean to Sayo about informing Roselia of her condition beforehand as well as some other things that she probably shouldn’t have revealed yet. She has mostly talked to Yukina since then. Mostly about the coming live show and upcoming rehearsals. Ako was the one that texted her about the get together, but she hadn’t heard a word from Lisa since then. She wasn’t surprised, Lisa was probably really pissed at her. And probably very scared from the whole incident. Sayo didn’t know what to say to her after all. </p><p>When the time came for the get together,  Sayo and Yukina were the first ones there. Both bonded over their particular disliking of roller coasters and mutually dreaded Ako’s and Rinko’s daredevil like approach to them. </p><p>“Today will be hell. Although you might get a pass if you say you feel nauseous.” Yukina had a cold drink in her hand. It was incredibly hot today and the two decided to get beverages to cool off before the other three came.</p><p>“Maybe if I feel extra spiteful I’ll run to the bathroom and make Ako pay for my meal.” The two laughed in unison and sipped their lemonades.<br/>
“What about Imai-san?” Sayo couldn’t help but ask. </p><p>“What do you mean? What about her?” Yukina eyed her curiously.</p><p>“I just wonder if she likes roller coasters.” Sayo eyed her drink to avoid eye contact with Yukina. </p><p>Yukina softly smiled, “No, she doesn’. She loves spinny things though.”</p><p>Sayo smiled, “Wow. She exchanged one headache for another.”</p><p>“Yukina-san! Sayo-san!” Ako was hurtling towards them at full speed. Sayo was sure she would decelerate at some point but she kept running as fast as she could directly towards Sayo. Sayo threw her arms out just in time to catch Ako. </p><p>“We missed you, Sayo-san! How have you been!” Ako was embracing her quite tightly.</p><p>“Good to see you again, Hikawa-san.” Rinko said as she approached the girls and pried Ako off of Sayo.</p><p>“Good to see you two as well.” Sayo absentmindedly pat Ako’s head. </p><p>“Are we just waiting on Imai-san?” Rinko asked timidly. </p><p>Yukina nodded. The four girls went on about a recent NFO event Sayo sadly missed while she was in the hospital. Apparently Yukina and Lisa helped Ako and Rinko grind to get specific gear for Sayo and were planning to give it to her as a ‘get well soon’ gift. Rinko half chastised Ako for ruining the surprise but Yukina admitted she was going to mention it eventually as well as something to look forward to when she got home. </p><p>“Oh, there’s Lisa-nee!” Ako pointed excitedly and was tempted to charge after her in the same manner she did Sayo but was restrained by Rinko by a tug on the shirt.</p><p>The guitarist immediately made eye contact with Lisa and smiled timidly, a bit hesitant to make eye contact at all. Sayo was more scared of Lisa’s reaction than she was scared of any rollercoaster or any spinny ride she might go on later in the day. Would she be blatantly ignored for the whole day, or coddled like there’s no tomorrow, or maybe she would be scolded then and there. </p><p>She was scared, untilLisa ran up to her in the same way that Ako did and crashed into her so much harder. Sayo struggled to keep her balance. She managed to steady both herself and Lisa by embracing her in a small hug. She heard Lisa start crying and immediately went to hug her tighter as Lisa buried herself in Sayo’s neck. After a few seconds of clinginess and weird looks from bystanders and more looks of adoration from their bandmates, the two parted. Lisa grabbed Sayo’s face firmly. </p><p>“Don’t ever do that again! You had me worried sick!” She gave Sayo another quick hug and her hands lingered on her arms when she pulled away, “But I am so glad you’re doing better.”</p><p>“I'm doing a lot better. Sorry for worrying you.” Sayo looked bashful but still managed a smile.”</p><p>“I will accept your apology for today. Don’t do it again though.” Lisa gave her one final hug before finally peeling herself from Sayo’s embrace. </p><p>Ako perked up immediately, “Okay, now that that’s over, I want to go on that huge coaster first!”</p><p>-</p><p>After two whole rollercoasters and a lot of “spinny things” Lisa dragged Sayo on, Ako and everyone for that matter had been almost completely satisfied for the day. The group couldn’t decide on what exactly to eat so they decided to just visit the park’s food court and decide there. There were a lot of different foods at the court, lots of cheapy ones like pizza and burgers but as long as it kept everyone happy it didn’t really matter. </p><p>Eventually everyone just unanimously decided to get beef bowls and found a place to sit. The food was as good as theme park food gets. Nothing special but not too completely terrible either. They talked about whatever came to mind. Not even specifically about Roselia, but about Rinko and Ako’s home life, Yukina’s weird song composing routines, Lisa’s cooking habits. Sayo even talked about her reformed relationship with her parents. After some post eating conversation the girls cleaned up their table and set off on a new embark when Sayo felt a small tug on her shirt. </p><p>“Can we meet up with you guys in a sec? I have a surprise!” Lisa smiled towards the other three members and Ako seemed to vibrate. </p><p>“Okay! We’ll wait outside!” Ako almost pushed Yukina dn Rinko out the door. </p><p>Sayo turned towards Lisa curiously, “What kind of surprise?”</p><p>“A sweet one. I was eyeing that crepe stand earlier. I want to treat everyone to one!” Lisa grabbed Sayo by the hand and took off in the direction of the stand. </p><p>Sayo felt a certain happiness being dragged around by a pretty girl who she deemed to be too adventurous for her own good.</p><p>“Sayo? What flavor do you want?” Lisa still held her hand while waiting in line.”I already figured Rinko and Ako would want a chocolate drizzle.”</p><p>Sayo squinted her eyes considering her options on the menu. “The strawberry drizzle sounds really nice. Wait, are you paying for all of our orders?”</p><p>“Yep,” Lisa said a little too cheerily.</p><p>“Not happening, let me pay for a few,” Sayo yapped a bit too mindlessly. </p><p>“No! This is your get well soon gift!” Lisa had already begun getting her change out of her purse. </p><p>“I thought the NFO thing was my get well soon gift?” Sayo purred with a slight tinge of a tease.</p><p>Lisa looked genuinely surprised, “Who snitched!? I so wanted to see your reaction too.” </p><p>Sayo smiled, “Let me buy at least ours. In return for the monja date.” </p><p>Lisa smiled, “Oh, so it was a date now was it? Hmmm?” Sayo was sure Lisa expected her to back down after she teased her for her comment but when she didn’t, she shook her head and smiled, “Fine, just cause you won me over with that one.” </p><p>Sayo smiled innocently and got out her wallet in triumph. </p><p>Returning with five crepes in hand very much excited Ako at the very least and Sayo could see Yukina’s eyes light up at the sight as well. They were remarkably good. Sayo felt like she made the best choice in terms of flavor because the strawberry flavored syrup and chunks of the fruit were delectable. Sayo was in heaven. </p><p>“Sayoo~” Lisa teased.</p><p>“Yes, Imai-san?” Sayo eyed her perfectly predicting her next request.</p><p>Lisa held out her crepe, “Do you want a bite of mine? Can I have some of yours in return?”</p><p>Sayo laughed and took a bite out of Lisa’s chocolate dessert. It tasted a little less sweet and pretty good, but Sayo still preferred her strawberry one.She held out her crepe with a stern face, expecting to see a good reaction out of Lisa. </p><p>Lisa took a bite of the soft dessert and Sayo could see her lips curl into a smile. </p><p>“Damn, this is good! Makes me regret not getting it.” Lisa looked very satisfied with the dish. “Oh! We should try making these whenever we have the time!”<br/>
The other three girls were occupied surveying what smaller ride to go on next. Sayo thought this was a better time than any to speak to Lisa privately.</p><p>“Imai-san?” Sayo started.</p><p>“Hm?’ She was still chowing down on her crepe with a humble approach, savoring every last bit.</p><p>“Could we...talk later? Privately I mean, and preferably in person. About what you wanted to before I...you know.” Sayo was trying her best not to be so characteristically bashful but the proposal was a bit embarrassing to say the least. </p><p>“Of course,” Lisa’s hand came to softly stroke Sayo’s cheek, “We’ll figure it out later, okay? For now let’s just enjoy ourselves.”</p><p>Sayo followed in silence as the girls ate their crepes and bickered about going on rides.</p><p>-</p><p>The day had come to an end. Ako was getting noticeably tired evident by how touchy she was being with Rinko. She fell asleep on the other girls shoulder at least twice by the time they finally left the park. Yukina was already yawning by the time they got off their last ride a few hours ago but perked up when she saw some cat themed souvenirs. Rinko and Ako said their goodbyes at the gate and Sayo spotted them in the distance holding hands as they exited the drop off zone. Lisa had gone to talk to Yukina, probably to inform her that she wouldn’t be heading home with her.</p><p>They had a chance to speak about a meeting arrangement when Ako, Rink, and Yukina decided to do one last rollercoaster together. They both decided it would probably be best to go back to Sayo’s place since Lisa still hasn’t moved into her apartment. Also since Hina wouldn’t be home till late. They’d have all the privacy they’d need. At the very least, Sayo was glad that they were both on the same terms. </p><p>Weirdly enough, the coming conversation wasn’t as nerve wracking as Sayo thought it would be thinking about it the previous night. She was more scared that Lisa wouldn’t be willing to talk about anything rather than the actual talk itself. The train ride to Sayo’s house was quiet but sweet. The two listened to music together in a close but comfortable proximity and talked about whatever crossed their minds at the time. When they arrived at the apartment, that's when the anxiety really hit Sayo like a truck. Sayo didn’t even think she got this nervous before a show. </p><p>“Do you want a glass of water or soda? I could even make tea if you’d like?” Sayo didn’t like being nervous. It made her jittery and she wasn’t very good at hiding that she was unsure of herself. In any case, Lisa was the only person she could bare the humiliation of being nervous around.</p><p>“Water, please? Thank you.” Lisa made her way to the living room couch and after a minute of shuffling Sayo came with two cups of water in hand and sat down next to the bassist. She folded her hands in her lap and started. </p><p>“So, do you want to go first or should I?” Sayo already felt like folding and just choosing never to talk about it again and possibly accepting the ambiguity of the situation instead of ever resolving it. </p><p>“If it helps you, I’ll go first.” Lisa seemed rather calm about the whole thing so far.</p><p>“I would appreciate it. Sorry.” Sayo’s composure left her with an exhale and she began bouncing her leg and rubbing her hands in a stimulating manner.</p><p>“Okay, well to begin with, I’m not mad at you. None of us are. We just wanna help Sayo.” Lisa was as still as can be. The comfort in her voice was present but not as evidently as a precautionary measure. </p><p>“Second of all, I have to come clean with you.” Lisa’s voice dropped and she sounded hurt, very vulnerable. Sayo’s focus landed on her face as she turned towards her. </p><p>“I like you Sayo. In the more than friendly way.” Lisa couldn’t make eye contact with Sayo but she could see that the tips of her ears were red. Sayo thought it was cute. Sometimes acting like they were kids still was funny and cute. </p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Wait, you do?” Lisa looked up disregarding her initial embarrassment. </p><p>“Well, I had my suspicions ever since we were younger but, Hina confirmed it for me about a week ago.” In truth, Hina didn’t mean for it to come out but she hadn’t noticed Sayo was home early from the doctors and was blabbing about it on the phone with Maya. </p><p>“Oh, well,” Lisa laughed. “Guess I got all dressed up and prepared for nothing aha.”</p><p>“I mean, you still look very pretty. I like you back by the way but...well I’ll let you finish first.” Sayo was looking away, a bit comforted by the fact that this was just as awkward for Lisa as it was for her but still a little too uncomfortable to make eye contact. </p><p>Lisa sighed and started again, “When I saw you collapse, I felt so many mixed emotions.” She went to grip her glass of water. “I was so concerned, so scared for you, like we- Like I had chosen to reach out to you too late.” Lisa gripped the glass a little tighter. “I mostly felt angry at myself for not considering the possibility that you’re human and prone to fall sometimes.”</p><p>Sayo was intrigued, “What do you mean?”</p><p>Lisa drank from her glass before setting it down, “You’re so strong Sayo. That I do know but...sometimes you’re so strong that I forget that you can be vulnerable.” She laughed disheartenedly. “When I first started liking you, I always imagined you as one of those love interests in romance novels. Very stoic but strong and with a heart of gold.” </p><p>She faced Sayo and grabbed her hands forcing the two to finally make eye contact. “And you are all of those things, but you’re also just as vulnerable as I am or anyone else is. And I feel like my mindset was basically enabling you to suck up everything and eventually lead to you hurting yourself like that.”</p><p>Sayo opened her mouth to rebuttal, “I know that there’s no way you could’ve known what i was thinking but still...In that moment when I saw you collapse and I waited for an ambulance to come and cradled your head…It was all I could think about.” </p><p>Sayo softly placed her hands on top of Lisa’s, </p><p>“My turn.” Lisa nodded and gazed into Sayo’s eyes.</p><p>“I like you too. In the same way.” Lisa nodded again, weirdly excited by the confession even though she had already heard it once. </p><p>“I can’t really explain my sudden change of heart other than, I’m just taking my own advice for once.”</p><p>Lisa smiled, “And what would that be?” </p><p>“I’m me before I’m Hina’s sister, or Roselia’s guitarist I guess.”</p><p>They both laughed. </p><p>“It’s not like my disorder is just going to disappear but, I have the support system I need to recover from it. I think I’m going to let you and anyone else who cares for me actually care for me if I ever feel like that again.”</p><p>Sayo firmly held Lisa’s hands and began again, “When I thought of you and I being together, I felt so insignificant. I felt like if anything, I wouldn’t be enough to satisfy you and you’d end up running off with Hina or something, as silly as it sounds.”</p><p>She brought her hands to cradle Lisa’s face. “When I collapsed, when I saw your face drop when I did, when I saw Hina sound asleep beside me, and when I felt my mom cry on my shoulder again, I knew that me keeping this stuff hidden wasn't an option anymore. Whatever it is I might deal with, no matter how much worse it may get, I’ll still have you guys. Especially you, Imai-san.”</p><p>Lisa leaned in and kissed her right then and there. A very quick and childlike peck that in all honesty didn’t mean to happen. Sayo kissed her again with a laugh and a smile,and again and again, completely losing track of the world around them now with everything they’d felt over the past week out on the table. Sooner or later they were both laying together on the couch and laughing together as if nothing else aside from them existed in that single moment.</p><p>Lisa kissed her cheek and nuzzled close to Sayo’s neck, “Does this mean we’re girlfriends now?” </p><p>“I assume so, yeah. It’s not going to be easy though.” Sayo brought a hand to Lisa’s head and began combing through her hair ever so lightly.</p><p>Lisa giggled, “If I wanted easy, trust me it wouldn’t have ever been you.” </p><p>“Oh, shut up,” Sayo laughed.</p><p>Sayo was content, it felt good to let herself have nice things for once. And Lisa was one of the nicest things she could have. </p><p>“Oh, wait Sayo.” Lisa rose from Sayo’s chest. </p><p>Sayo was a bit saddened by the separation but responded, “Huh?” </p><p>“The last train.”It was past twelve already. </p><p>“Hina will be home soon too. Just stay over. We have a spare futon if you’d like.” Sayo got off the couch and walked towards the hallway to her room with Lisa hot on her trails. </p><p>“And pass up an opportunity to make up for lost time and cuddle with you? No way.” </p><p>-</p><p>Hina got home about thirty minutes later and Sayo informed her of the current situation. She prepared some sleepwear for her and prepared a bath for her use. Lisa commented about how she’d like if Sayo were to join her and in all honesty she would have if Hina wasn’t home. Instead she prepared her bed a bit and waited for the bathroom to be out of use. </p><p>When Sayo finished in the bathroom Lisa was already collapsed in bed and practically almost asleep. She slightly arose when Sayo stepped into the room but indicated she was still tired with a whine.</p><p>“Okay, okay, I hear you we’re going to bed.” Sayo threw her clothes in a hamper and climbed into bed with Lisa.Upon impact, Lisa latched her arms around Sayo and kissed her cheek sweetly.</p><p>“You’re awfully kissy aren’t you, Imai-san?” Sayo held her waist and teased. </p><p>“Shut it, I’ve been repressing it since high school. Also, call me Lisa in private.” She kissed her on the lips again, “Please?” </p><p>“Of course, Lisa.” Sayo kissed her forehead this time and took her hands to kiss as well.</p><p>“Oh, and I’m the kissy one?” Sayo kissed her again to shut her up.</p><p>Lisa giggled and gave sayo one last long kiss that wasn’t chaste like the rest but also sweetly passionate. “As much as I’d like to stay up all night kissing you, we should sleep now.”</p><p>“Alright. You win.” Sayo said patting her head as she dug it into the crook of the guitarists neck.</p><p>“G’night Sayo.”</p><p>“Goodnight Lisa.”</p><p>Not even a few minutes passed before Lisa spoke up again. She was lucky since Sayo was on the verge of falling asleep.</p><p>“Sayo?” Lisa fiddled with Sayo’s shirt collar timidly.</p><p>“Hmm?”Sayo replied in a cute and sleepy manner.</p><p>“When you feel up to it, can you play me that song you were singing a few weeks ago before rehearsal? I really liked it.” She kissed under Sayo’s neck, “And you sounded really good.”</p><p>“Okay, I will one day. Now shh, go to sleep, okay?”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>A minute later all that could be heard were the beating hearts of the two girls and their soft breaths as they were soundly asleep in each other's arms.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi! I'm not going to lie i kinda wanted to finish this to get it off my chest bc it kinda is a projecting vent fic but I also wanted to satisfy you feel me? Anyway I hope this was enjoyable! It mostly was sayo angst with sayolisa endgame but sometimes that is just how it be. I'm thinking about doing a sequel to this eventually but give me some time to explore some other ships and projects. Anyway yea! Hope ya'll enjoyed.</p>
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